The Great Eight

I’ve got about a hundred ideas swirling around in my head, but the second I sit down with my Chromebook, all motivation disappears. What is this, some kind of sick joke!? 😫 So instead, I’m writing about the very thing I’ve lost: motivation.

How do you even get it back? Honestly, it’s been a hot minute since I’ve felt excited about anything. I used to light up over other people’s birthdays, going all out with surprises, planning every detail just to see that big smile on their face. That used to make me so happy. I used to look forward to concerts, to church, even to dressing up and putting on makeup.

Nowadays? I can barely brush my hair. Anything beyond jeans and my favorite hoodie? Forget it.

Over the past month, I opened up to my amazing partner about needing some time to myself. (Something that feels almost impossible with eight kids). Together, we came up with a plan: once the kids are in bed, he heads off to bed too, watching whatever shows he enjoys that he doesn’t normally get to watch, and I stay up. That late-night window has become mine. Sometimes I crochet. Sometimes I shamelessly binge watch Desperate Housewives. Sometimes I just play a game, or even sit in silence, holding on to the quiet like it’s an old childhood teddy bear.

At first, it didn’t seem to help. I was still running on four hours of sleep a night, still buried under my to-do list, still drowning in the constant demands of life. But then something shifted. I felt a flicker of a feeling I hadn’t known in ages, anticipation. I actually found myself looking forward to those couple of hours alone.

Soon, it wasn’t just the show I craved. My crochet hook, once abandoned, called me back. I tried a new pattern and felt genuine happiness finishing a pair of tiny booties and a baby beanie for a beautiful woman who had just welcomed her third daughter. I have even started writing my new pattern (to be revealed later)!

And just like that, I began doing things for others again. My spark is still small, but it’s there. I’m holding on tight this time, and I’m never letting it go.

My point is this: when everything feels hopeless, hold on to that tiny glimmer of hope, even if it starts with five minutes of peace and a terribly addictive trashy show. When you can’t remember the point of anything, try to remember what used to make you happy. Try really, really hard to find it, trust me, it’s still in there somewhere.
My light has been gone for years. I’d completely lost myself, but thanks to my amazing partner, my mum, and some incredibly patient friends who listened while I switched personalities between Eeyore to Russel Crowe, I made it through some very dark times. Something in my head has shifted and I can feel a tiny flicker of hope, and after so long, that feels like everything.

Hang in there x