The Great Eight

Okay so, my baby is 7 months old now, and I can confidently say… he’s never slept longer than 4 hours once or twice but he wakes every 2 hours max without fail. At this point, I’m not even sure if I’m awake or just glitching in the Matrix. Reality feels like when you accidentally open your front camera. Everything’s blurry, foggy, and I regularly forget basic life things like where I put my keys, when I last had a shower, or what my other kids are called.

I’ve temporarily given up work because this little sleep terrorist has decided I am his full-time emotional support human. He cries without me, but ALSO refuses to sleep. Honestly, he’s a total sweetheart during the day… a charming little con artist. But the minute bedtime hits? He transforms into a tiny, adorable gremlin powered by breastmilk and vengeance.

I’ve tried everything. Sleep training? He laughed. Self-settling? He said, “uh uh try again” He won’t take a dummy (because apparently I am the dummy). Won’t cuddle a toy. Has zero interest in bottles at night. He’s breastfed and OBSESSED with the boob like it’s a VIP all-access pass to peace and safety. And yes, we’ve got a bedtime routine. Yes, we’ve started solids. Yes, I tried sleeping in a different room. Co-sleeper? White noise? Swaddling?Check. Every sleep YouTube guru ever? Watched. I’m basically one lavender essential oil away from performing an exorcism.

Im thinking im going to purchase one of these Baby hand patters and let you know!

So if you, or your cousin, or your neighbour’s dog walker have any links, suggestions, witchcraft spells, or methods that worked for your non-sleeper — drop them in the comments. Let’s help a mum out because the bank account is tired, the nipples are tired, and most importantly — I am tired. 😩

Signed,
A very real, very unshowered, possibly imaginary mother, just trying to remember her own name.